This post is a continuation of Part 1, sharing the events of the final days of the Cleansing Stream class and how God worked through me in the retreat.

Throughout the course, I didn’t know what to expect of the acclaimed retreat other than what my husband had told me from his past experience going. And, well, in terms of social anxiety, it sounded daunting. I showed up wanting God to do the work. To meet me there. But afraid of being vulnerable and of letting go of that which I thought had protected me.

What occurred was not what I expected, but it was exactly what I needed.

The Cleansing Stream Retreat: What I Didn’t Expect

The retreat went about in a cyclical manner whereby a leader would speak on a specific area, speaking of their own experience and then giving us an outline of sub topics under the category for us to consider the relevance and impact on our own lives as well as past generations of family. We would pray out loud as a group on each topic renouncing, repenting, breaking these areas over our lives.

Topics included pride, guilt, shame, condemnation, abuse, fear, control, anger, orphan heart, etc.

After the speaker concluded, the leaders stood at the front. If we, as participants, felt like an area had impacted us, we would anxiously stand in line, awaiting our turn to speak with one of the leaders.

In truth and maybe in comparison, I wasn’t sure how much information to share or how vulnerable I should be. I don’t know if I went deep enough as I explained a very short, high level summary of how the topic applied to myself or generationally.

I would then be walked through breaking the chains over these areas. It went something like: “I break the hold that criticism has over my life. I don’t need to partner with it anymore.”

The leader would also do the same, saying “I break the chains of criticism. Breaking the chain on her mother’s side all the way back to Eve and on her father’s side all the way back to Adam.”

There was a moment when it was noted that I wasn’t really breathing. Just shallow breaths. That I was holding tension throughout my body. I admitted that I also found myself clenching my jaw often, never necessarily knowing why. I attributed it to anxiety but there was likely more to it.

I was told that the Holy Spirit wanted to reveal to me when this tension first started. As I reflect back, I still don’t know the exact moment when I decided I needed this protective strategy. I was flooded with different memories which probably had added to the tension that I carried. It was likely an accumulation over time but the earliest memory still evades me. I’m left with the feeling that I’m still missing something.

As the day progressed, this cycle continued. The first time I went up, my anxiety and over thinking kicked in. It took a couple rounds before it eased as the Holy Spirit did its work in me. Exhaustion kicked in after lunch and I almost felt like I was operating on auto pilot. This was likely a blessing as it prevented me from over thinking. My energy needed to go into reflection, standing in line and breaking the chains that I no longer wanted to hold. With my guard lowered, I stopped striving and allowed the work to be done.

The Aftermath: What Changed After the Cleansing Stream Retreat

I woke up the day after the retreat still exhausted and feeling like I could sleep for another few hours despite having a good sleep that night. We had our last class that afternoon (so caffeine was needed).

We were told in advance to come prepared with a short testimony. My mind was mostly focused on the exhaustion I felt. I hadn’t quite comprehended or become aware in the natural of what had taken place in my spirit.

As I was listening to the other testimonies, the impacts of the retreat on me started to become more clear. I don’t know that I encountered God in the way that I expected at the retreat, but maybe in the way that I needed.

New Clothes

It felt as though I had spent the retreat searching for the right outfit, only to wake up the next day gifted with entirely new clothes (Zechariah‬ ‭3‬:‭4‬ ‭NIV‬‬, 2 Kings‬ ‭25‬:‭29‬ ‭NIV, Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭22‬-‭24‬ ‭NIV‬‬). There was a feeling of renewal and joy that came with it as it does with wearing a new outfit.

Jesus had gifted me new clothing, a wardrobe cleansing if you will. The old has gone and the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17).

I felt like I just walked out of a really good massage. I didn’t realize how much built up tension I had held in my body over the years. How much had accumulated until my body felt as light as a feather and the comparison was overwhelmingly evident. A feeling I don’t ever remember feeling and now don’t quite know how to process.

“For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11‬:‭30‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Stillness

Notably, my mind was quieter. Calmer. Temptation and my protective mechanisms didn’t seem to have as strong of a hold.

I didn’t feel the need to go from task to task frenzied. I could work at a natural pace. Something which I had been trying to work on already (maybe in my own strength) and not necessarily knowing why other than trying to “do it all” in order to achieve my goals.

Reflective Radiance

Finding What Forgiveness Feels Like

It also felt like there was a clean slate over me and those I needed to forgive.

I had been trying to forgive and take what I was carrying to God multiple times before. Maybe I wasn’t fully surrendering it to Him but hanging on to a piece to protect myself believing that I would always be re-triggered unless He moved mountains in others’ lives. I was aware that I couldn’t change them. It would have to be God.

But on the retreat day, He helped me to wipe that slate clean and start afresh. I’ve been cleansed by His living water.

Maintaining Peace After Spiritual Healing

“He told them this parable: “No one tears a piece out of a new garment to patch an old one. Otherwise, they will have torn the new garment, and the patch from the new will not match the old. And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the new wine will burst the skins; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, new wine must be poured into new wineskins. And no one after drinking old wine wants the new, for they say, ‘The old is better.’ ””
‭‭Luke‬ ‭5‬:‭36‬-‭39‬ ‭NIV‬‬

As I write this post in the following weeks since the retreat, I have lost some of the lightness I felt. I’m not carrying the load I once did though and when criticism, a frustrated comment or a past memory resurfaces, I have to remind myself of what I let go of on the retreat day. I have to work to maintain this bubble of peace over my mind and body that part of me is fearful to lose.

Yet, in my fear of losing this peace, I feel him saying “I wouldn’t have healed you just to throw you back into the fire.”

Triggers, events and trials are bound to come but there’s a new determination within me. I’m giving these battles to God. I’m not letting anything steal my joy.

The areas I’ve released have already resurfaced in some way or other to test me. I’ve fallen but have gotten back up again, fighting the pull to default back to my old self.

‘Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. ‘

Philippians 3:12-14

In terms of the things I’ve been working on over the last year such as going at a natural pace and being more in His presence, I feel like I have taken a big step in that.

I have to keep working on breathing and not the shallow breathing that I adopted somewhere down the line especially in social scenarios.

God has filled the holes within me. They don’t hurt as they once did. I have a new strength within me.

There’s still much work to be done.

Reminders I Carry Forward

I wrote down some truths after the retreat that I keep reminding myself of, to help me overcome each trial as they come:

It is well with my soul.

It is finished.

I am God’s masterpiece.

I am enough.

I am valued.

I am loved.

I’m not their criticism.

I speak life over myself.

I have nothing to prove.

I don’t need these walls of isolation and protection.

Fear has no hold on me.

I don’t need to control. Just let go.

Going forward, it will be a battle to maintain my peace but one that I am not alone in.

To God be the glory,

Jo

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