Over the last couple years, I’ve participated in some different courses in looking for healing, particularly over anxiety, and in developing my faith. Currently, I am enrolled in the Cleansing Stream course. Below is a bit of my faith journey through the course so far.

Healing Through Community

One of the biggest realizations I found, both in this course and the Genesis course I took over the last couple years, was how healing community can be. It’s a bit of an anomaly because we’ve all been hurt by people. Yet, we need people to heal.

[Christ] works on us in all sorts of ways . . . But above all, He works on us through each other.

C.S. Lewis

Through these courses, particularly Genesis, I have found lasting friendships. People to turn to when I need someone to talk to, some encouragement or prayer. People who know my struggles that can be approached without fear of judgment or condemnation. People who know where I’ve been and still want to have a casual conversation over tea or a walk. Safe people.

Further to this, both courses have had church leaders or long time church members tell parts of their stories. It normalizes the struggle when you hear that leaders in the church have gone through their own battles. Ones that we can often relate to.  

When others are vulnerable, it can help reduce the shame, anxiety, fear that we are feeling knowing someone else has gone through it and is now able speak and share about it  Their stories help pick away at the shame and fear that prevents us from better connecting with community.

Irrational Fear – Disconnected from the Holy Spirit

After the initial fear of wondering what my small group that I would need to be vulnerable in front of would look like, came the fear of being out of tune with the Holy Spirit. Over the last couple years, I have been working on trying to hear God’s voice and to be in His presence. While I have made progress, I’m often second guessing if what I’m hearing is from God or if it’s all in my own mind. (i.e. Did God really say this? – Sound familiar?) This being a work in progress, still riddled with doubt, confusion and learning, left me open to a bit of spiraling.

As I read through the workbook, I feel like I’m retaining very little of the content.

Why do I feel like I’m not progressing or getting anything of the course?

Or is it just my ADHD brain not connecting to the way the workbook is set up? 

Am I more disconnected from the Holy Spirit than what I thought? 

Do I struggle with self-reflection? (I understand the irony as I write this reflective post…).

These questions left my mind spinning and spiraling.

I had to stop and make myself determine what is truth: yes, I am not as intimate with the Holy Spirit and the Father as I would like to be. It is still a work in progress. But I am in the Spirit. I am hearing His voice more and more. Even within the last year I can see how far I’ve come. 

In briefly discussing with others, we talked about how Genesis might have been easier because of community whereas with Cleansing Stream, it’s between God and me. With community, you have people making guiding suggestions, praying over you and helping to lead you into healing. The trust that forms within the group helps to rewire those old, negative connections and experiences to bring new strength, connection and healing.

When it’s between God and me, the change and answer isn’t always as instantaneous or obvious in comparison. It requires trusting Him more than we often let ourselves as we cling to the old ways that make us feel safe and protected. To grant Him full access to our hearts and not just certain areas where trust feels easy.

Thus, I need to trust that God will do the work in me during this course. Though I may be confused as to what it is. I went into it thinking I would be working on my anxiety and slowing down but questioning that might not be what He wants me to work on. That it might be something deeper. More spiritual. Strengthening my connection to God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. 

Irrational Fear – Does God Care?

The next irrational fear that popped up was that God won’t care about the things on my to do list or the things I enjoy. While this thought has never previously occurred to me, it left me considering whether there was a block preventing me from giving Him full control.  

However, I must admit that sometimes I can be set in my ways on how things should be done or getting lost in the details of tasks. It raises the question: am i using my time properly? How He wants me to use my time?

But He blessed me with this house and everything that fills it. He Has put the dreams in me. Why wouldn’t He care?

Why wouldn’t a Father want to bring good gifts and joy into their children’s lives?

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!

Luke 11:13 NIV

We are to steward and manage the gifts He has blessed us with. So again I ask, why wouldn’t He care?

God will never require things of you that will make you miserable or destroy an ambition without eventually showing you something better.

The Cleansing Stream Seminar Workbook 2nd Edition 

In His Presence

In His presence. That’s the goal. To walk with the Holy Spirit. To be so in tuned, connected and filled with peace as a byproduct. 

I will move forward. I will keep reading through the workbook, albeit a little slower, underlining the words and sentences that stand out as a way of quickly reviewing and reminding myself of what I’ve read. Removing the pressure of having to read a whole chapter before the next class but to take it in smaller chunks to allow for reflection. Trusting that God will do the work in me, even though I may not see it yet. Trusting that I will retain as I read what He wants me to focus on at this time.

I will keep working on hearing His voice and letting Him lead me. Letting His truth, the Truth, speak louder than the doubts and the questions. To live from a place of gratitude, abundance and hope. From full acceptance of the love of the Father. 

Grace and peace,

Jo

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